I had an audition today for the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra. It was something that I had wanted a great deal: the opportunity to play in the orchestra and to live in Cincinnati near my family. I did a lot of preparation for it in all the ways that I could and with the limitations that I had, but it wasn't meant to be. It has been a valuable process to prepare for it. I think I've learned a lot in working towards something that I really want, of really trying.
And after the audition, I sat in the park with Andrew and then went home to my family. We went out to see my grandfather, explored music and books at the public library downtown, enjoyed car rides together, ate ice cream.
For the past few months, in preparing for this audition, I've been afraid of facing something that I want and not accomplishing it. I've been acknowledging how the fear of wanting something can block the decision to pursue it. And in the aftermath I find that while there is a lingering feeling of disappointment, there is so much here already. There is a satisfaction in wanting something, in working towards something that is of value; but in the midst of that, life is already complete. I think it is a perspective. To want, and to have everything that one wants. Both are valuable ways to live, and I think they can inform one another. They can give one the freedom both to want and to have. I look forward to the next challenge, to another opportunity to grow. But for now I am enjoying the time with my family and friends and all that I have.